Bigger than Me
by shelizabeth
Summary: Josie was heading to college on an academic scholarship when her sudden suicide shocks everyone. What really did drive her to this drastic decision that shook the people around her to their core?
1. Prologue

_The day I was born, the weather called for clear skies. At ten in the morning, my mother left for the hospital on a perfect summer day, the kind of day that warms you from the inside out. I came into the world quickly. The story goes that the clouds came out of nowhere, and the first bolt of thunder came simultaneously with my first breath and the sharp cry of the world's newest person._

_My life had always had a weird music to it, a hymn to the day I was born. In my house, I never really fit in. My mom and my older sister devoted their life to having a boyfriend. A man's acceptance was everything to them. My younger brother's addiction probably began when tried cocaine when he was twelve. Me? I didn't do anything. And by that I mean, I really didn't do anything. I had one friend, but even sometimes I felt my one friend didn't like me. At school, I never ever fit in. It's not that I was picked on or bullied or anything. It's more that I was invisible. I think the right word to describe me would be irrelevant. Kids didn't notice me, and teachers didn't even notice me. I never had to worry about getting called on in class, because the teachers were too embarrassed of not knowing my name after having me in class for a year. Sure, I had people I spoke to in school. But they had different interests than me. I never had a boyfriend. That part I understand though. If I hate myself this much, how could I even dream of someone else falling in love with this? How could someone love something when it's so despicable? I started to cut my wrists. At first it wasn't too bad. Just scratches. I didn't break skin. But eventually that wasn't satisfying enough anymore. I blamed a lot of people for what I felt. I blamed my mom, my drug addict father, I blamed my siblings for causing me so much stress. Never once did it even cross my mind that I had any part of responsibility to what I was feeling or how I responded to it. So the day I turned 18, I made big plans to celebrate. I spent the day with my sister and brother, and we went shopping. I spent all the money I wanted without a care in the world. We went to a buffet and I got myself four helpings and two helpings of dessert. I had my best friend come over, and we watched my favorite movie. She left at 10:46pm. Then at 11:57pm on August 9__th__, three minutes before my birthday ended, I hung myself from an opening in the ceiling of my in-the-process-of-being-remodeled basement. And like poetry, thunder struck as I gasped my last breath._


	2. Chapter 1

Tomorrow I start my first day of high school. I don't think I'm ready. I mean, I guess I'm ready. I'm not scared about the classes or anything. I'm not exceptionally smart, but I'm smart enough. I'm not really exceptional at all. I'm more nervous about the people. When my sister was in high school, she had her own little group. They liked to go to parties and they drank a lot with older guys. I guess I'm scared that I'll be expected to do that when I get into high school. I don't think I want to. I guess I could. But it just seems boring to me. Plus all the extra calories. I mean, I'm not really fat. But I'm not skinny either. I definitely have to watch what I eat. I used to play sports, but I quit everything in the past couple years. I guess I just didn't have the energy anymore. Maybe I'm getting old.

"Josie? Are you ready?" My mom calls up the stairs. She's taking me out to buy a new outfit for school tomorrow. I guess I'm excited. My mom really annoys me sometimes, but I like being around her. I like when she spends time with me. Usually, it seems like she's too busy with her boyfriend for me. Or maybe she just doesn't like being around me.

"Coming." I grab my phone and headphones.

"Are you excited for tomorrow?" My mom asks me when we get into the car.

"I don't know," I shrug. "I guess."

"I'm sure you'll meet lots of friends. Maybe even a boy." See that's where we differ. I don't think I will ever have a boyfriend. Sure, I secretly wish it would happen. But I'm pretty confident it won't, and I've come to terms with that. My mom hasn't. She thinks I need a boyfriend or I'm lesbian. I'm not lesbian. At least I don't think. I mean I'm attracted to boys. They just aren't attracted to me. I think maybe it's my personality too. I'm pretty reserved. I don't give boys a lot to get excited about.

"I doubt it mom." I say, starting to get annoyed. When we get to the store, I go to shoes. I do that without thinking about it. I just naturally hate clothes shopping because I hate trying on clothes and looking fat in them.

"Josie. We're not shopping for shoes today." My mom says, assuming I'm trying to get more out of her. I'm truthfully not.

"Josie! Is that you?" I turn around and see a girl I used to be friends with. I think we're kind of friends still.

"Leigh? Hi." I say, awkwardly.

"How are you?!" She says hugging me. I am bad at handling hugs. I don't think I hug right.

"I'm good," I say a little flustered. "You?" My voice cracks a little of nervousness.

"I'm good. I'm so excited for school tomorrow! I'll see you there?" She asks like I'm going to say no. Of course she will see me there.

"Yeah. See you there." I respond, grateful the conversation is over. I walk over to my mom, thinking about how awkward I am.

"See? Already making friends!" My mom chirps.

"Yeah." I say, trying to sound as light hearted as her. Sometimes I wonder if she's even capable of thinking as deep as my mind always goes. It just feels like she isn't.

I wake up on the morning of school. I don't feel excited or nervous or anything right now. I just feel tired. I want to go back to bed. I rub my eyes and grunt out of bed. My mom bought me a yellow dress yesterday. It's sunny and everything. But I'm feeling really cold and just want to put on sweatpants. I put them on with a t-shirt and then look in the mirror. I look really fat. I decide to put the dress on and suffer the cold, because at least the dress covers my fat. I stretch my arms really wide. It feels really good. I don't want to stop. Eventually I do, and I walk to the bathroom and brush my teeth. I put my contacts in. I just got them. All middle school I had to wear gross, dweeby metal-rimmed glasses. I guess I'm pretty excited to debut my contacts. I think about putting make-up on when I look at my face, but I decide not to. Just don't have the motivation. I think about wearing flip flops, but it looks to casual with this dress. I take them off. My feet are cold. I could wear wedges, but I think that would look too formal for school. I don't want to look like I try too hard. I decide on my black converse. I always liked the look of converse and dresses. Dresses are pretty, but converse say "I don't really care". I liked that.

"Morning Josie!" My mom is in a good mood. She even made pancakes. I'm starting ninth grade, my brother is starting fifth grade, and my sister is starting her senior year of high school. She told me not to bother her in school. I told her I wouldn't. I'm secretly a little disappointed. See, I also like being around my sister. But I don't think she likes being around me much. I think I just annoy everyone I'm around. I try not to, but I think it's just something in my personality. That's why nobody really likes me. Nobody truly enjoys my presence. The best I can ask for is tolerance.

My sister drives to school. She doesn't offer to bring me, but my mom forces her. I feel especially unwanted today, and I don't want to cry. So I tell my mom Leigh is waiting for me on the bus, which is a lie, but it doesn't really matter. I walk to the bus stop alone, since my brother has another half hour before his bus comes. I try not to think about the unwanted feeling tugging at my gut because it's not a good way to start high school. I try not to let it bother me. I've always dreamed myself of being one of those people who just can swallow their emotions and not let it come back up again. But I always let it get me all upset.

I walk on the bus and look for any familiar face I can find. I know a few people, but not well enough to sit by them. I take a sit near the front and sit alone. I forgot my earphones, so that leaves even more time to think.

When I get off, I see Leigh by her new locker.

"Hey Leigh!" I say, eagerly.

"Hi Josie. Um, I like your shoes."

"Thanks!" I respond enthusiastically. Suddenly I look down at my shoes and wonder if she's being sarcastic. My confidence shatters.

"So, um, what classes do you have?" I try. Back to my awkward self. I wish I could punch myself in the face. Then at least I'd get out of school.

"Um, all the freshmen classes?" She says to me, laughing.

"Right," I try to laugh with her, "so um, where are you sitting at lunch?"

"I'm sitting at Ashley's table. I don't know if there is any extra seats…" She trails off. I get the hint.

"Right. Yeah, that's okay. See you around?"

"Sure."

I end up sitting alone at a table and a few other people that were looking for a table sit around me. I imagine four years of this. I want to cry, so I focus all my energy on squeezing my arm as hard as I can.

When I get home, I go to my room. I am alone for a while. My brother still goes to extended day care at school until my mom gets home from work. My sister is never home. So I'm usually home alone until late at night. My homework for my history class is to write 10 facts about myself.

10 facts about me

I have an older sister and younger brother

I don't have many friends

My favorite food is apples (I lie on this one, so I don't look fat)

I feel very indifferent about lasagna

I really like to read

I'm irrationally afraid of thunderstorms

I don't think flavors besides mint should exist in toothpaste form

I get cold really easily

I like to make people feel better when they're sad

I don't talk much

It got really hard to think of stuff to write by the end. These assignments always make me feel like such a boring person. I lay down and take a nap while I still have a quiet house to myself. I don't wanna go back to school tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 2

I wake up at 6:38pm. I can hear my mom and brother downstairs, and I feel my stomach drop a little. I guess that's another problem I have. I say I like being around my mom and family and stuff, but when I am, I don't like it. I guess I'm just really used to being alone, so that's become more comfortable. At least that's what I think it could be.

"Look who it is," my mom says seemingly in a good mood.

"What are you making?" I say, peering over the stove. All gross stuff. That's another annoying thing about myself. I'm a really picky eater. My whole family gives me grief for it, but I've always been like this. You'd think it'd help by making me skinny or something, but nope. I feel like I'm constantly watching my weight and calories and stuff. It's useless, though. Sometimes I give up. But then I feel REALLY fat and hate myself so much that I get really strict on myself. Then I stop caring after it gets to be too much. It's a sucky cycle, really. It's kind of depressing. Since my mom is in a good mood, I kinda like being around her right now. I wanna stay in the kitchen with her, but I have to seem like there's a reason for it or it's weird. I decide to make my own supper; Easy Mac. I put it in the microwave and sit down at the table to wait.

"So how was school?" She asks me.

"It was alright, I guess."

"How are your teachers?"

"They all seem pretty nice and easy going. Except English. She has a reputation."

"Well I'm sure she'll like_ you _though. They always love the quiet ones you know." She tells me this like she's letting me in one of her secrets.

"Yeah. Hopefully." I answer, truthfully hopeful. "Mom…"

"What?" She says, as the microwave dings that my Easy Mac is done. But it's too late; I've forgotten about it. I'm trying to catch my breath from crying so hard.

"Josie? What is going on?" The way she says it makes me feel like I've annoyed her. I feel even worse.

"I- I don't know. I think I'm depressed." I know she won't take me seriously.

"Listen… would it help if I signed us up for a gym? It might help your confidence. And it's like an antidepressant. You can think about it." My mom is being nice, but I feel awkward. God, what kind of creature am I? I'm awkward around my own mom. If I'm not comfortable around her, who can I be comfortable around? I am doomed to live the rest of my life in a world that just doesn't feel like it was built for people like me. If there are people like me. Maybe no one else ever feels this out of place. Maybe this severity was like a malfunction in my birth. A gene gone wrong. A brain disorder. Who knows.

It doesn't take long to fall into a routine. Every day I wake up and go to school. World Civ, English, French, Health, Math, Study, Physics. I have this one girl I talk to, Emily. She's in my French, Health and Math class. We're both quiet and friendless, so it's like a secret code that we are drawn to each other. In those classes, I don't even stress about partner activities. She's actually really nice. I think we'd get along if we hung out outside of school, but I don't wanna be pushy or anything. I'm hoping she'll suggest it sometime. After school, I do homework and then I fall asleep. I wake up at like 6 or 7 when my mom gets home, and we go to the gym. It's true, the gym really does help. It's cool to be passionate about something. Losing weight gives me something to look forward to. It's nice I guess. But when I don't lose weight, I get really hard on myself. But I think that's what you have to do. To achieve your goal. You have to be hard on yourself because if you were easy, then everyone could do it. And it wouldn't be special.

Anyway, I guess I'm looking forward to Christmas. It's something different. Plus a vacation from school. I only have one more week until vacation starts. I can't wait to have a break from homework and stuff. School is really stressing me out. And it stresses me out more that it's only going to get harder from here on out. When I start thinking about school too much, the stress freaks me out and I start crying. So I try not to think. Just do. It works out okay I guess. I mean, I'm not dead.

It's the last day before break, and I wake up a little excited. I'm hoping we don't do much in class today, since you know, vacation. I know we won't have parties or anything like middle school, but still. Even if we just relaxed. It's not like we can start anything new. And my only test is in Health. I decide to wear my red hoodie and jeans and my uggs. You know it's a special day if I wear jeans, because I hate jeans. I hate getting them on my body. I try to put my hair in a messy bun, it's not perfect, but I don't hate the way it looks. It almost even looks… good. I can't help my good mood when I go downstairs, and my sister says she'll drive me and bring me home today since she has to meet her friend down the street from our house today anyway. Not having to ride the bus is great because I always feel so misplaced on the bus. Too many people or something. I don't know.

World Civ goes by as slow as can be, especially since we don't do anything at all. I wish we had something. Or that I remembered to bring the book I'm reading. Wow I'm stupid. When I get to English, I'm almost excited because my teacher may be tough, but she is never boring. Class always goes by fast.

Settling into class, she calls me into the hallway. I go with ease, still excited for break and in a good mood. She hands me a slip of paper and tells me to read it out loud. I can see the reflection in her eyes, my face is not hiding my confusion. I look down at the paper, and slowly, I understand. My teacher, being her strict self, assigned me to reprint an entire essay because I missed a period in a grammar rule about ellipsis. I was so upset over it, and I was talking to Emily on facebook when I was pulling it up, I guess I never thought twice when I called my teacher a bitch and said I can't stand to see her face again. People rant all the time, don't they? I read it out loud to her, sobbing, apologizing, begging her to believe me that I didn't mean it; I was just mad.

"I thought you were a nice girl. Quiet, respectable. I thought a lot of you. Any respect I had for you is gone." She practically spits in my face. "I don't want you in _my_ class anymore." At least I think she does, but I'm crying so hard it might be the salt from my tears. She walks back in the classroom, I stay in the hall for a few minutes to stop crying. I don't think about how everyone in every class room down this whole hallway probably heard me, how I'm going to have to walk back in there and face them. I don't think, I just do. I lift my head as high as it goes, which is not very high at all. I think maybe the tear stains are heavier than you'd imagine. Because they're really weighing me down. I get through the rest of the day, but I tell Emily about it in French because it is the only thing on my mind. I go home, deflated from the mood I felt earlier. I even mess up my relationships with my teachers. I am even unwanted in my classroom. And it's not in my head; my teacher flat out told me this time.

I go home, thankful I don't have homework; thankful I don't have to go back tomorrow. I go straight to my nap. It's the only thing I ever want to do anymore. It's the only moments I'm not torturing myself. It's when I'm not really living, when I really feel alive.


	4. Chapter 3

I have to admit, I had a pretty good Christmas. My sister being home is nice, except I have try really hard not to be annoying to her. My mom gets me a lot for presents, but she always does too much at Christmas time. I got an iPod touch, so that's pretty cool. We're all going to my uncles for dinner, but I have to say I'm dreading it. Ever since I started going to the gym, I stopped eating after six. It's not as dramatic as it seems. You know it's actually kind of nice. I mean, my body is so used to it, I don't even get hungry at night anymore.

That's a total lie. I mean, some nights aren't bad. But a lot of times I get so hungry. Especially when I'm around people eating. Like I will be tonight. That's why I'm dreading going. Plus all the questions. And I feel so dramatic when I don't eat in front of people, like I'm asking for attention. Like "Hey, look at me. I'm starving myself." I'm really not. I'm just dieting. I think I'll eat a little bit. If I don't eat lunch before we go, I can eat a little bit at my uncles. That way it doesn't break my calorie limit and I don't get all the questions about my eating habits.

I mean, most of the time, nobody really cares. They don't think it's serious or anything. I think it's because I'm not skinny enough to not be eating. That's why I assume they're just saying it in their head. Just thinking about how much I crave attention. Really, I don't want it at all.

Since it's Christmas, I grant myself a pass from the gym. Mostly because I need to, my mom would never go on Christmas and other than that, I don't have a ride. My mom isn't as crazy about it as me. She's just not as good as losing weight. Sometimes I think she's jealous, because she gets upset when I'm losing weight and she's not. She always comments about my eating and tries to make me eat more. She doesn't want me to lose weight if she can't. Whatever. It's not like it will stop me or anything.

I go in my room and wait and until we have to leave. I have a few hours, but maybe I'll start getting ready. I don't think I'm pretty, but I think I can look pretty decent sometimes. When I really try. I'm in the mood to get ready, so maybe I'll try to look really good. I'll straighten my hair and try makeup. I'm really not good at makeup. Maybe I should have learned how to do it. But I'm always just too tired to even care. I'll try now at least. Usually I try to apply it, but it comes out looking like a clown. Like I tried to hard. So I end up wiping it off. I try anyway though. After straightening my hair and putting on my dress, I flop on my bed to take a break. I have more time than I thought. I take out my phone and decide to scroll through Facebook. I have one notification, but I'm pretty sure it's a game request or something. It's Emily though. She wrote on my wall to say Merry Christmas. I smile, and tell her the same. In a matter of seconds, she sends me a chat message.

Hey jo! are u busy tomorrow?

no why? I am hesitant answering no, I don't know if I should have made it seem like I have other friends. I don't want to scare her off.

Well I'm going to the movies with this guy.. he's rly cute and nice.. but he wants 2 bring his friend so i told him i'd find someone for him. Will u come? My mom will pick you up and bring you home.

um.. yeah sure. what time?

:)! we'll pick u up at like 6:30! c u tomorrow!

I try not to get my hopes up, but I'm actually pretty excited. I can't believe Emily has guys she talks to. I'm so glad she thought of me, and I mean he's set up with me. We almost have to hit it off. Maybe we'll be best friends who eventually fall in love with each other. Or maybe it will be love at first sight and we'll be high school sweethearts. Oh god, what am I going to wear. I have to look really good, you know, make a good impression. I consider asking my mom for help. but I immediately shut it down. Too weird. I decide on my sister, maybe she'll even let me borrow her clothes.

"Taylor?" I say, knocking on her door.

"What?" She says. I somewhat regret even trying.

"Can you… um help?"

"With what." She says this more of a statement than a question.

"I um.. I think.. I think I have a date tomorrow. I don't know what to wear… or do… or anything." This sparks her interest.

"You have a date? My BABY!" She squeals. I feel weird again.

"So will you um help?"

"Well you don't wanna show too much, you have to leave some to the imagination," She says, getting up. "But you have to show enough to make him even want to start imagining things. Once you get that, he's basically wrapped around your finger. What about your hair? Want me to curl it?"

"Um yeah, okay." I say, happy she's so willing to help.

"Girls, are you ready?" My mom's voice travels up the stairs.

"Don't tell her," I tell her quickly. "I don't want her to get all weird. And stuff." My sister winks at me in response. I go back to my room, I still haven't put makeup on, so I decide to do that quickly. I try eyeliner and blush, but I somehow apply it all wrong and wipe it off. It looks like I'm not wearing anything. Whatever, I look how I look. When I come out of my room, Taylor is in the hallway.

"You look so cute Jos," she surprises me and obviously, I don't know how to react.

"Thank you." My voice is cracked and gross or something. We get into the car, and I slip my earphones in.

The next day, I try to entertain myself when I wake up at 11. I go on my new iPod touch. I download some games and I play that for a little while. I realize at the movies they're probably going to get candy or popcorn or something. I try to figure out around this. I definitely can't eat candy, I could use money for an excuse. But what if someone offers to pay for me? I'll just say I don't like candy. They'll probably think it's weird, but whatever. I can probably eat some popcorn, because one cup only has 15 calories. Plus whoever this guy is will think I'm just dainty or something. And that's way better than being a pig. I decide to skip lunch again to make sure I don't go over my calories. At like four pm, I decide it's okay to start getting ready. Taylor isn't home right now, but she said she was going to curl my hair so I decide I'll wait to do my hair until she gets back. I start makeup, which is hard because I'm so bad at it. I try eyeliner again. I promise myself I won't get all self conscious and wipe it off before I go. When I'm finished, I think I look pretty okay. Oh god, what do I wear? Get his imagination going, but leave it to his imagination. Okay. I don't think I can do that. I wish my stomach was a little flatter, or my thighs were a little slimmer. I don't look good in any clothes. I don't want to look too fancy because then I will have tried too hard. I go to Taylor's room. She's still not home, but I don't think she would mind. I find a black dress with lace on the back. It looks nice, but not too formal. It's perfect. When I put it on, I almost even like the way it looks. It's almost six, and Taylor still never came home. I try not to let myself get all upset that she bailed on me and most likely forgot me. I start to straighten my hair, because even if she got here now, there wouldn't be enough time to curl it. I'm really upset, but thinking about my possible future boyfriend is still pretty exciting.

Well. He is definitely not going to be future boyfriend. I mean, last night wasn't the worst night. I thought maybe I could like him when I first saw him. He had a nice smile. But the whole night, he seemed more interesting in third wheeling with Emily than hanging out with me. How bad is that? This guy is literally set up with me so he doesn't have to be the third wheel, and when I get there, I'm so awkward and uninteresting that he'd rather not even have me there. It felt like more like a group of friends than a double date, because those three were hanging out all night, and it kinda felt like I was just… there. Like I didn't need to be there. I tried really hard to fit in, I really did, but I just can't. I mean, if they invite me to hang out again, I probably will. Because I'm supposed to have friends. Plus, I don't think it's their fault. It's just me. Like I have some type of social disorder. It could be anyone, and nothing would change. I mean, it'd be different. It's always different, but it's never different. No matter how many things change, they will always be the same. Because it's just who I am, and I'm trying really hard every day to come to terms with that. I really am.


End file.
